What Dreams May Come

It’s amazing how most dreams seem completely insane and random. Teeth falling out. Running from the Nazi’s and hiding in toy stores… Yes and they get stranger. But every once in awhile (great while) I’ll have a dream that will really make me think. Like last night…in my dream...I was meeting with some kind of support therapy group that seemed to be “We hate our jobs anonymous.” I don’t think I knew anyone else in the group except for the person facilitating the group discussion was one of my advisors up at BYUI. When it was my turn I burst into tears and started going on about how when I was BYUI I knew what I wanted to do and the direction I wanted my life to go. I was doing it. And I was so happy. I wanted to continue down that road. And seek for opportunities doing similar things. And now though the decisions I made and the events out of my control I had somehow gotten way off that road and not doing a thing with what I loved so much in college. And I was hysterical.

I woke up with those little short breaths; you know the ones you get after crying really hard. I don’t know if I was really crying or not. I also woke up thinking. Thinking about the decisions that I have made since I was in school. Most of the decisions I had to choose between two good things. I started wondering  what would’ve happened if I had chosen differently. Where would I be? Would I be working in what I had a passion for when I was in college instead of in something so far from it? Would that road have been right for me? And yes the Frost poem has come to mind as I have wondered if I took to ‘road less traveled’ or did I take the safe one. Looking back though I recognize certainly didn’t make all decisions consistent with what some of my passions are. Maybe those passions just didn’t seem realistic or maybe there was too much risk involved. There were also other things that influenced my decisions such as family.

It was interesting that this advisor would be the one in my dream leading this discussion. He really didn’t say anything to me in my dream, however up at BYUI he was one who help me to realize that those things that I really enjoyed I could make a career out of.

As I have thought about this I have been torn between the two adages:  “go with your dreams” and “…most jobs are dull…” So which is it? I haven’t come up with any real answers. And I am not saying that this was a vision to get me back on the right path. If anything it made me more frustrated with my current job.  It reminded me that I really knew what I wanted when I was finishing up my degree. I knew the direction I wanted to go. I discovered something that I could be passionate about my last year of school. I found a direction to make a career out of those passions. And now two years have gone by since I graduated and I am not doing what I set out to do.  The only thing that is somewhat close to what I wanted to do with my life is my church calling. Activities co-chair. Yes, I love to plan activities and programs and events. I love recreation. I love experiential education. And what do I do everyday. I sit in an office. I work as an assistant. DEPRESSING. Good news is I can always change the direction of the road. Advantage to being single. Maybe that is why I am trying so hard to get back into school.